Quotes From Last Night
Here’s a selection of context-free quotes from some crazy nights in Milan. Most involve Marco in some form or fashion…
“He was looking for the bathroom. I’m not sure how he ended up in the hotel lobby in his boxers.”
“You don’t eat flan out of a box.”
M: “Lean over and say (screaming) I WANT SOME OF YOUR <BLEEPING> PIZZA RIGHT NOW!” Girl: Do you want some of our pizza? Me: Um….yes please?It was a mountain lion. A mountain lion on skis.
K: “Did you tell him the story?” M: “Yeah, I did, why?” K: “Well did you tell him about the cops?”M: “No….no I forgot that part”
Is that a giant purple snail?
Ma Cecil…..che bello!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean (spreads hands apart)….che bello!!!!!!
The Germans….we love the idea of a European Union. I mean, we tried to do it twice ourselves.
“Prof.a, my name is Joe….like Joseph….like Giuseppe in Italian.” “Okay John…”
K: “I can’t believe you’re staying in a hostel in Bratislava by yourself!” T: “Why, is it not safe?” J: “It’s fine.” K: “No, it’s not fine…they’re gonna rape you.”
J: “So I’m sleeping on a bench in Stockholm’s main station tonight.” J: “Um, why are you doing that?” J: “It’s a long, long, crazy story. Let’s just say all of this can be blamed on a Portuguese millionaire….”
J: Last night was probably the worst night of sleep I’ve ever had. A: Why, what happened? J: So I’ve never done acid….
K: Did you see the big letters in Amsterdam? M: No K: Did you see the Van Gogh museum? M: No K: Are you sure you were in Amsterdam? J: I think this is like the time he was in Venice but really was in Verona…
K: I like good looking people. And orgies.
K: Are you sure this is a good idea? J: Yeah, you’re totally fine, you can do this. (five minutes later) K: No this was a bad idea.
“Ho fame, ho freddo, sono stanco…ma sto schiando….tutto bene!”
(I’m hungry, I’m cold, and I’m tired…but I’m skiing…it’s all good!)
“Juan…the problem is…your face.”
“Juan….do you have our passports?” “Um…..no?”
(something gets said in Spanish) J: You know I don’t speak Spanish and can’t understand you! K: (throws hands up in exhaustion) You’re not making any effort!
K: I’m so drunk – I can’t ski like this. (five minutes later) Should we get some grappa?
“Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-ltitude.”
J: “I think that in the battle of Europe vs. The Americans, Europe is winning. Apparently it’s hard to be everywhere and do everything without wearing down.”
“Fat kids don’t get kidnapped.”
J: “The end of the night is kind of fuzzy…” M: “We didn’t lose anything, and no one got kicked out. So, overall, a good night.” J: “That’s how far we’ve fallen now huh?”K: “No, in Venezuela we don’t have earthquakes. We have Chavez.”
M: “Why are you laughing at me? If I were serious right now, I’d be really offended!”
M: “If you fly, you look like a pussy. If you run really fast, that’s different.”
A: “Why haven’t we taken over Canada yet? I know, right, I mean, they have….stuff?”
M: “I didn’t like Hangover b/c it was in English.”
U: “They didn’t translate it into Spanish down in Mexico?”
J: “No, he didn’t like it b/c there weren’t any donkeys in it.”
M: “Yeah – that’s why I like Shrek so much.”
K: She’s a 4! (girl takes coat off) K: Okay she’s a 0!
M: Non Brasiliano….TUTTO!!!
J: We invented the term “cougar”. J: Who’s “we”? J: My friends and I did. We invented it.M: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! That guy almost got hit by a car! K: “That guy” is our friend!
Shut up, stupid pigeon.
J: “I was gonna buy everyone breakfast, but then I couldn’t find my pants.”
J: “You! Put some pants on! You! Take these pills! Trust me!”
J: “This is an ang blu. Tell them I invented it. Tell them the Puerto Rican invented it.”
J: “If they’re in high school, they’re your target. If they have kids in high school, they’re my target.”
M: There are 3 things I don’t do by myself: 1) have sex 2) going to the theater 3) eating in a restaurant
“Hey…Yoe!”
“Ma che cazzo”
Don’t be a…..
“DON’T BE A POOSSY!”
And finally…if you went to ANY class at all, you heard this more than once from a professor:
“Did anyone read the case? Anyone at all? Does anyone know what case we’re studying? Does anyone know what class this is? I give up…”
The Backpacker’s Essential
Having done a fair bit of backpacking in my time, I think I should provide some perspective on what exactly to bring when backpacking. This can be around Europe, Asia, Latin America, wherever. This list will ensure you look like every other backpacker out there and cannot be mistaken for someone who has recently showered. This is not a comprehensive list and merely my tongue-in-cheek random compilation.
Enjoy!
Backpacker packing list
- Che tshirt
- Hammer and sickle t shirt
- One other ironic t shirt from wherever you are that’s supposed to shout your independence but just makes you look like every other mildly rebellious American. The “same same” t shirt from SE Asia fits here…
- Two days stubble. (not necessarily recommended for women)
- Birkenstocks
- Friend with dreds (okay if this is actually you)
- One item of your choice – ridiculously over priced compared to everything else you own (a Canon DSLR is an excellent choice here – it’s high saturation in this particular market means it’s less likely to get stolen. Careful of your lenses though.)
- Street vendor bracelets
- For women – combo shirt/skirt/sarong, unwashed.
- Unintentional sense of irony
- Condescending attitude to everyone with a real suitcase and hence, not a real traveler like you
- A stench
- A book by famous dead philosopher or poet or politician. Anything communist is a good choice here.
- A towel. See Douglas Adams. He was right.
- A CD player or Walkman. You wouldn’t dare own an iPod.
- Nothing clean.
- A country more dangerous or exotic than everyone you meet, that you have traveled to that’s less dangerous than current country, so you can always interject and say “yes but when in east Timor don’t do THAT!”
- Cigarettes.
Specific instructions for Americans
- Your gear will look cleaner and newer than most, despite the dirt you tried to rub on it before you left home
- Leave 2003, skip the Canadian flag on your North Face backpack. You’re not fooling anyone and it’s a dead giveaway anyway.
- Check the WHO health rankings before you travel. A handful of third world countries have better health systems than we do – might pay to get hurt there.
- English words in a foreign accent do not a linguist make.
- Bush didn’t hurt travelers reputations that bad and Obama won’t help them. It’s up to you so don’t be a humongous ass and expect everything to be easy. There’s a reason people like Canadians. They’re just nicer.
- Except parting with your money. That’s always easy.
This should get you started. You’re practically ready to have your very own, full-blown backpacking adventure.
I’m serious about the towel.
